Unexpected comparisons

By Erin Deborah Waks 

For nine months after my first heartbreak, I didn’t come close to meeting anyone I even wanted to go on more than three dates with. I went out with plenty of guys, many of them ticking a whole list of boxes, many of them perfectly good-looking, smart and nice. 

I will admit, on more than one occasion, I missed my ex. I missed the chemistry, the passion, the constant excitement of seeing him. I missed the way it felt when we touched. I worried I’d never come close to finding anything that special again.

And then, all of a sudden, I found myself on a date with a man who did, in fact, capture my interest. It took me by surprise. And it unveiled a whole layer of unresolved feelings stemming from a lifetime of dating ups and downs.

I worried from the start that, despite all the healing of the last year, I’d find myself stuck in a comparison loop. What if the sex wasn’t as good? What if I didn’t feel as ‘myself’ around him? What if I constantly remembered all the amazing things about my first love, only to be disappointed with any subsequent romantic dalliances?

Turns out, I was worried about the wrong thing. 

Yes, I did find myself comparing. But instead of focusing on how great things were last time - and, with all due respect to my former partner, many things about our relationship were as such - the more time I spent with this new man, this extremely different man, the more I realised just how wrong my last relationship was for me.

On our first date, I told a new person things that had taken me months to reveal to my ex. There was a trust there from the start that I hadn’t even realised was lacking before.

When, on our first night together, we stayed up talking for hours after sex, I realised I’d never really done that before. When we cooked together, went for walks together, and I found the conversation flowed more easily, it occurred to me just how stilted it had felt last time around. When he gave me compliments and reassurance unprompted, it made me reflect on how simple it was for one man to do what another seemed to find so difficult. When we had dinner together, drank a bottle of wine in one sitting, I noticed just how easy it was for me to eat with this new man. That, for me, is telling.

My fear that I’d always be haunted by the perfection of my last relationship never came to fruition. I was, however, left with an element of sadness - sadness for accepting a sort of love that had very few of the things I truly wanted when it came to intimacy. If nothing else, the last few weeks have been evidence that the sort of relationship I am looking for can exist - whether this is the right one, only time will tell.

But I also know I had - and still need - to ride the wave and learn for myself, and I’ll never regret the first - and only - time I’ve been in love. 

I just hope it’s not the last.